choir practice the song we sang . . . suddenly started crying

Thank You Jesus Christ for Creating The Way of Your Word!

12:06 pm Mon Apr 17. 

Yesterday, I spoke to Judy about a powerful experience at church. She’s always really sweet and polite asking how my day went, or how church was in the morning. I told her how we sang more Easter songs their morning. I admitted how one time during choir practice the song we sang sounded like my dad in church. 

I explained how I suddenly started crying … it was totally random, and I got all choked up, where I couldn’t sing anything. I was trying to catch my breath through the rest of the song. Then I explained how crazy it was that when I sang the same song an hour later on, during the church service, after never getting a single word out during practice, I was able to sing it just fine. 

As I explained the experience to her. I realized it was just the sound and vibration I felt during practice. I sit right in front of the music director’s speaker, so his voice really comes through to me strong. And it equally could have been my own voice, where I sounded out the words and heard my own dad’s voice, that put me into tears.

Judy was asking me about the vibration, and how it was the sounds that hit me. I explained how I never had any communication with my dad. I was always in trouble, so the only voice i heard was angry and violent. The love and beauty of his voice was something I would only hear in church. Somehow that first phrase in the song during practice sounded like my dad, and I just burst into tears.

But then singing the same song again later on, it was no trouble at all. I recognized it was one of the songs he liked, but the sounds didn’t hit me as they had the first time. I explained to her how this had happened before when certain songs come up in church. And it was completely random. Like when my kids were young and I took them to the Temple Terrace Methodist Church, I joined the choir then too. As remarkable as that was, the choir director from Van Dyke Methodist had moved there to Temple Terrace. And then an old engineer who I knew, was also on the choir, so a few people encouraged me to join. I remember how much I enjoyed the choir then, since there were three or four men together singing the deep base. And I know I was choked-up several times in that church too, feeling into the song my dad had sung next to me when I was little kid in church.

What is remarkable now, is how you feel about sharing this. You want to send it to your dad and step-mom. And again you start to cry now, feeling the experience of wonder and love, as you consider how so many people have affected you.  And yes, you called Cathy last night, just wanting to share some love and some insight. You still struggle with sharing and put these things on a private blog, instead of the public blogs. You have learned and understand how this is all testimony for Jesus, and you have been very clear and dedicated to get things written even as you struggle to work or find out what’s next. What would you think, if this writing was the only thing we wanted you to do. Like getting every comfort feature you could imagine, so you would just sit still and write more. Yes, imagine that it’s all been setup for you to only write and share this experience with Divinity, that so few comprehend, and even fewer share in transparency like you have.

Ok, so I first thought this was crazy, since every time I get into my office and start to do anything; I get interrupted by little ants biting me! I’ve killed a few here already too! I know I need to get outside in my gardens and finish building things to keep bugs and such away from me. But how is this about creature-comforts when I still get interrupted.

We said “comfort feature” for writing. Big couches, hammocks, and rocking chairs and the big comfy bed you are sitting in now, with the pressure blanket that makes you purr.

Ok, I’m never purring, but yes I guess I know what you mean. I get very comfortable on this stack of pillows, watching pictures of my granddaughter flash by me. Yes, listening to the JoyFM as usual and wishing and wondering about Kim, Kathy, Cathy, Colleen. . . Wow, that’s weird as I always worshipped women, and no matter what they did or wanted, I would always essentially allow them to walk all over me.

We have tried to teach you boundaries. Women do not respect men who are not strong. You felt you were being loving and kind; but they interpreted it as you being weak and insecure.

Yes, i get it. And i’m sure you tried to tell me or explain these things before! I’m alone again. I wonder what could be next and sent out applications again today for a few teaching positions. 

We have been very clear about staying close to you.  You have always been taken care of, even at such a level that was beyond your dreams and ambitions.  The peace and ease you find encourages you to relax and spend more time with us here . . . 

I know it's weird to write and write more and more; usually it feels almost completely irrelevant and useless, but I'm too close to everything to see any bigger picture or purpose!
I know it's about time with you. Thank You Dear Lord Jesus Christ;  I Love You Dearest Loving Lord Jesus Christ.