now slow, and careful

Thank You Jesus Christ for Creating The Way of Your Word! I attended the Eucharist Encounter

yesterday, and really thought it might be a breakthrough moment for me. I’m really not sure what I was looking for there, or what was gonna happen. But I noticed a lot of church regulars there, that I see and meet all the time. I feel now, I missed an opportunity for a deeper connection with each of them. I’m always kind of perplexed by my experiences. I never quite know where I am and what I need to do. I try to ask Jesus all the time, like now, I realized I needed to write about something. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write until I started. But now I’m still not sure.

What we do is give you micro-moments to grow different aspects of yourself.

I’m really not sure what that means. And I’m not sure what I’m doing or what could be next for me. I get legal stuff in the mail and get perplexed about what that could mean or what could be next.  I’ve been trying to catch up on my grading. I’ve been doing things around the house again. I know there’s still so much more. It does get intimidating at times. Honestly when I answered the prayerline calls I realize how wonderful my life is, and it is such a joy to listen and then reach out to love others who are struggling!  I know this might be the micro-moments, that you were talking about a minute ago. 

I have stopped in silence several times today just to pray.  I still feel really perplexed about my whole experience. I try to be conscious and clear about what’s ahead of me, but I really have no idea what this all means, or what my place is. I know I need to ask You for more self-control, more guidance and wisdom, more understanding of my place. But I still feel like my head is spinning just barely holding on. Every day I seem to run into more to do, and then less time to do anything.

This morning I was sure I would bike to the sunrise, but instead I just stayed in bed. No exercises, nothing but my prayline calls, wow 7 of them with the last one running into 49 minutes. Yes, as seen here I hit the redial when I clicked to see what was there. Once again I’m still posting all these things, seemingly still trying to prove myself. 

I think that’s my strongest experience with my Spiritual Director, where I’ve come to see clearly and understand fully that I don’t need to prove anything to him. Like he has seen things happen so much beyond just the Spontaneous Divinity that I try to understand that the proof or detailed examples are not really necessary. 

I still seem to ramble-off into my stories desperately trying to explain and connect everything . . . But I have realized it’s really no longer necessary. I’ve sorta come to that conclusion with my journalling too.

Yes, this is what we have heard you say before, but still you refuse to give us complete freedom, and rarely seem to allow our insight and commentary. Yes, adding this one line is a small step forward.  But each line you wrote here had similar comments. Like we were very clear about your sharing more at the event yesterday, but you chose to hide in silence and your own insecurities, even when surrounded by friends who have each gone out of their way to welcome and greet you over and over again. 

Then you have boldly spoken about meeting Betsy again, sharing your joy and peace finding the time on her in glory. . . But then you avoided the ride this morning, and avoided any comments we had above when you mentioned it.  This wonder and joy you find with Betsy should inspire you to bike everywhere as much as possible. Recognizing the peace and joy you feel BEING twelve again, is more than enough to bring the dead out of bed.  But you are still dragging. Not able to complete anything or address the great multitude of tasks and responsibilities you are immersed in. . . 

I know, I’ve done dishes, and cleaned up a bit here. Then I completed my grading or at least completed my mark-ups and need to post these grades now . . . Or sooner. . !

What about really praying for wisdom and guidance. You have prayed for strength for years, and find that the challenges will never cease. Stepping beyond this by doing your exercises seriously is a wise move, and now you need to stay consistent and allow these to be fundamental to your daily experiences. You have tremendous joy and peace with each morning you fill with beauty, stepping into this more should be easy and direct. And still you waffle? 

I know.  I can’t saying I’m insecure, or afraid, as it really gets easier and purer each day. Questions and wondering are completely useless too. I’ve seen such perfect synergies everywhere I really have no right to question or wonder about anything.

What you are doing now with the slow, careful typing and consideration for each word is more necessary than ever. You have so many opportunities and benefits to address and embrace. Like the Eucharist Encounter opened so much for you, while you chose to simply watch and sit on the sidelines again.

I really didn’t know what else to do? I walked around a bit and was able to see some exhibits and such.

I Love You Dearest Loving Lord Jesus Christ. Thank You Dear Lord Jesus Christ!